THE SCENARIO

When nobody is around, the toys come to life... And they get uppity, too! When discussion of "Who is the Favorite Toy" turns ugly, there is only one way to settle it... an old fashioned game of King of the Sand Hill.

This fight was suggested by George Stark and Backflip.

THE SPORTS BOX

PAT:   Introducing our new Sideline Commentator Harley Quinn who is down on the field ready to interview the contestants. Take it away Ms Quinn...

Mr. Potato Head:   Help! HELP! She's disfiguring me!!

Quinn:   An eye here... An ear over there... Let's put you mouth... HERE!

JAY:   Ms Quinn, put Mr. Potato Head down. We're on the air.

Quinn:   O.K. (Tosses Mr. Potato Head over her shoulder.)

Mr. Potato Head:   You crazy broad... Aaagghhhhh!

Quinn:   Ahem.. Ahem. Hello folks in... is this radio or TV? Never mind. Our two contestants are geared up and ready to shed some blood... or in this case some plastic. With us now is Major Hazard. Hello sir.

Hazard:   Greetings ma'am!

Quinn:   We know you to be a soldier... Even though you're just an 8 inch tall toy... *giggle*... but what is your plan in today�s match?

Hazard:   First Ms Quinn I'll seek out and defeat my enemy before humiliating him.

Quinn:   How's that?

Hazard:   Find him! Kick his ass! Then ram his triple A batteries down his throat. Mission accomplished!!

Quinn:   Ohhhh-kay! Mr. Lighyear, what is you feelings about today�s match.

Lightyear:   Ms Quinn, I'm not doing this for me but for every other toy in the world. That we'll be free of the likes Major Hazard. That all toys must be symbols of pure fun and enjoyment for kids all over the...

Computerize Voice:   TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!

Lightyear:   Ms Quinn, stop playing with my buttons.

Quinn:   Sorry... HA! Who am I kidding!! *pushing more buttons*

Computerize Voice:   BUZZ LIGHTYEAR TO THE RESCUE!

Lightyear:   Okay, I'm out of here.

PAT:   ... O.K, who's bright idea was it to hire "Sideline Commentator" Quinn?

JAY:   (Silence)

PAT:   Somebody find out where Frank Williams is. On to today's mail.

YOUR OPINIONS

Favorite letter of the Week

schultztown USA writes:

You have so-very-Got to be kidding me. Lightyear, fighting Chip Hazard? let me just say this:

I'm a Disney employee, working in the Disney store. I am surrounded by all these action figures and cd-roms of Buzz Lightyear, where he flies around like a good little children's toy. the most violent he gets is his "kung-fu action arm".

I didn't even like Small Soldiers that much, but are you seriously going to suggest that a toy that befriends slinky-dog is going to stand a chance against a toy that is not only capable, but quite eager to kick serious ass? I mean, the commando elite were freakn' mean! my prediction?..... "The name's Buzz Lightyear, Space Rang....." (sound of buzz being decapitated).

Backflip writes:

First of all, thanks for picking my suggestion. Second, Chip Hazard has the moves, the experience and the know-how to get the job done. Think, Buzz Lightyear fought what? A bunch of misfit toys and a dog. With what? A little blinking light bulb! Major Chip Hazard fought other toys and humans. Yeah, humans! He stabbed that dorky kid that starred in the movie several times. He had his men build weapons out of stuff they found in the garage. Lawnmower, chainsaw, knives and blades of kinds, even volleyball nets. Clearly, Major Chip Hazard is ready for duty!

The Great Freaker writes:

Lightyear is going to be blasted into hyperspace. I mean c'mon, he is just a a little pu$$y toy that thinks he's a space ranger. Now Hazard, on the other hand, has a bad attitude, fighting ability, and is out to wup ass. 'Nuff Said.

Skan writes:

As much as I would like to vote for Buzz, I gotta stick with the munitions chip-powered killing machine. I mean, c'mon. What has Buzz done besides take 2 HOURS to figure out he wasn't really a space ranger. Chip Hazard , in the same amount of time, organized a full-scale invasion, brought Barbie to life, built war vehicles, and did some pretty good damage to a neighborhood block.

Based on experience and destructive ability, I gotta go with Chip Hazard.

Justicar writes:

Buzz Lightyear wins. Why? Allow me to sum it up in one word, MAGIC.

Chip Hazard may be the state of the art in micro / nano technology and that is all well and good. However, the natural laws of physics allow for his existence. He's a little robot.

The laws of physical science scream with rage at Buzz Lightyear's sentience. HE SHOULD NOT BE BECAUSE HE IS A LUMP OF PLASTIC!!. Any action figure that walks around and speaks in the voice of Tim Allen is a magical being.

Now that the battle is between science and magic I vote magic. Strange stuff happens when magic is involved.

I shall also add that the tech involved in construction of Chip Hazard is already a half-year into obsolescence. Another year and a half down the road Major Hazard can check right into the VA.

Some further points to add:

1. All you Hazard supporters citing his combat advantage can shuck it all down the toilet. When Buzz learns that a robot of nefarious and dubious nature is impersonating a military defender of Earth, Buzz is gonna lose it. Buzz will kick into overdrive that Space Ranger training of his and serve that interloper some fists of justice.
2. Two can play at the weird science bit. Hazard may saddle up some Barbie cannon fodder, but Buzz has alien connections. I'd like to see Hazard�s Barbie Brigade battle an army of Little-Green Claw-Worshippers.
3. Remember I mentioned that Magical nature of Buzz, that laser of his may just work when he realizes he's not a toy (contrary to whatever that jealous SOB Woody pumped into his head!!).
4. Hazard has working electrical organs that he has to worry about, Buzz doesn't, MAGIC KICKS ASS!!!
5. In conclusion, like the Red Sox in the playoffs Hazard�s fate is already sealed.

Saberlock writes:

Buzz does not stand a chance. By the time the fight begins, Chip will have the entire sandbox wired with traps. Buzz's only weapon is a light bulb that blinks. Chip seems to be able to jury-rig anything. Chip will also cheat by trying to bring any other toys that don't like Buzz. Half way through the match a Hollywood "Hulk" Hogan to might jump on Buzz and start beating his head against the edge of the sandbox. Buzz's armor will only take so much. He'll be lucky if he makes it out in one piece. Or at least that's how I see it.

XXUTAK the Unconquerable writes:

Sheeesh....who's idea was this one? I mean, Toy Story's cool, but Buzz HAS NO WEAPONS!! Ok, so neither does Chip, but he can make his own. Buzz doesn't even think he's from the 20th century. He'll have no idea how to make anything. Buzz will be spanked like a four-year-old at K-mart.

scrod writes:

Lightyear will win because Lightyear is dumb and lucky... and if a hero has those qualities, not only will he win... he'll get a gorgeous babe along the way... so here's to buzz and his gorgeous babe.

Jeff "T-REX"HAYES writes:

Well Chip has this one in the bag. After all, Buzz is a mere toy... not an Action figure. And did you see Chip do Nicholson in that Burger King commercial? He rocked. Chip hazard is, as Tommy Pickles would say, one tough omelet. Quiet enough stated

Lady Alhana Brightblade writes:

In this battle it's gotta be Chip. For a toy, Chip can kick arse. I see him as a toy that can get the job done. Buzz is just an over rated piece of plastic with a flashy light and wings that don't even work. Between the two, Chip is the real soldier. Y'know for a toy.

Trantor writes:

Well let's see what we've got here, shall we:

1. A guy in a space suit, whose only redeemable value is the fact that he has some extremely un-aerodynamic wings sticking out of his back and a flimsy wristed Howdy Doody wanna-be sidekick. Oh, how could I forget, the voice of Tim Allen... now there's a winner!
2. A toy soldier, who not only had the brains and the brawn to terrorize an entire section of suburbia, as well as the ability to finally due what every 8 year old Y-chromosome enhanced youngster has wanted to do to Barbie dolls for the last 50 years, Turn'em into lean (no pun intended to those suffering from Bulemia), mean, psychotic death bringin' machines.

My prognostic: You're gonna see a deformed little Space Ranger walking around, with a can of hair spray on his back, a lighter in his hand, and an endless recording of "Brains! I need Brains!" coming out of his mouth. Sweet dreams!

The Brain writes:

Idunno... both would have training in several different ways to protect themselves and annihilate the opponent, but I believe it'll go to Buzz. Do you see Chip running around with a laser on his arm? (NO, IT IS NOT A BLINKING LIGHT!!!) Didn't think so. Chip will be cut in half in 5 seconds.

Oh, yeah, you were asking for a new euphemism... Hmmm... how's about, "Chip'll croak faster than a frog in a French restaurant"? Maybe not...

Yugadesrial writes:

Three words: BOOM! BOOOOOOOM!! KRAKA-KA-THOOOM!!!!! Buzz pieces fly everywhere. It isn't pretty.

Robotech Master writes:

Something strange happened. One day I came to this site and the battle was Robocop vs. Judge Dredd. Now I come back and its Buzz Lightyear vs. Major Hazard. Oh well, I guess I'll have to vote again. I'll go with Lightyear. Although Hazard was designed for toy warfare, Buzz was designed for space warfare. He is the hero who was made to stop alien forces. With his futuristic equipment, Buzz will have an edge. True, Hazards attacks won't be as crude as a "hand chop action" but Buzz is also smart, and will use cunning to defeat Major Hazard. Worst comes to worst, Buzz could feed Hazard and his battalion to that toy eating dog.

Editor's Note: Ooops. Yes, we uploaded the wrong fight page at the start of the week.

Psychoclone writes:

Hazard is definitely gonna win. I mean he's got all kinds of state-of-the-art weaponry! What�s Buzz gonna do? Blink him to death?

Carnibavore writes:

U.S. Military technology is not going to loose against a cheap toy made in a third world sweat-shop. Major Hazard was programmed to win, while Lightyear is just a dick. Buzz is going to get his ass kicked to infinity and beyond.

skunk187 writes:

Hazard has it in the bag. As a fight promotin' veteran, I can tell who's the real deal. hazard is smarter, faster, tougher, and meaner. plus, Tommy Lee Jones could beat the shit out of Tim Allen any day. And, Hazard looks cooler.

The Cat writes:

What is it Male Macho Month(TM)? None of these guys have any experience with REAL females, the ones who kick some major behind and make you like it too. These guys would be spanked like a 4-year-old at K-Mart by a Catwoman action figure or a Xena one. I ain't even gonna mention last week's fight.

Pleeeese, Pleeeeeeeese, have these two guys try reaaal hard and manage to bump off Barbie. Then A LOT of little girls will be sooooo much more happier. Thank You.

The Immortal Kahless writes:

hmmm, on this battle I considered many advantages and disadvantages of both of them...spent nearly an hour on it actually, but instead of boring you by telling you everything I came up with, I�ll just recount the last few seconds before I finally did vote: ummm, ......hmmm....errr, ah...*imagine jepordy music*......hmmm...let's see.......ah, what the heck? Buzz is the good guy. and thereby voted for Buzz Lightyear.

Mega Spider Hunter writes:

Hazard will wipe the floor with Mr. Toy Story. Hazard, the name says it all. The only thing that interests me about the battle is how Hazard will kill Lightyear, I wouldn't be surprised if he chose the grenade approach. Quick, yet flashy. And if the Sheriff starts cheating for Lightyear, or the Gargonites show up, he he he, Hazards troop will have none of that. And the Sheriff�s girl Bo Peep is gonna' be real tired by the end of the night.

Sonic Hunter writes:

I don't care how skilled Lightyear is. When you've got things like the voice of Tommy Lee Jones and you're the leader of a kick ass group of soldiers no wimpy Disney toy is gonna beat you.

JonnyAce writes:

I'm sorry, but I actually have to side with the lesser grossing movie here. All it takes is for a human to walk in on the arena. Buzz drops to the ground, Chip looks up, says "Give me one second..." and then ritualistically rends Lightyear limb by Hasbro limb.

Agent Zero writes:

This fight will have to go to my man Hazard. I mean Buzz has no brains what so ever without his pal Woody (which I am sure that Hazard's buddies would have already killed off before the fight). Without Woody as brains Buzz is nothing. Plus Hazard has sweet weaponry (what does Buzz have? Oh yeah a chop action button...big whoop). Hazard will win. Hands down people!

Esrom writes:

Chip Hazard is my pick to win this one. First of all, he and his Commando Elite actually blow things up. Buzz, on the other hand, has this toy laser that doesn't actually work. As Woody would say, what's he going to do, blink him to death? Major Hazard also has a stronger killer instinct which would be enough to overcome any martial arts moves Buzz may try to use on him. Don't get me wrong, I like Buzz, but he's going to end up getting spanked like a 4-year old at K-mart.

BL00D ANGEL writes:

What the HELL? Some Stupid Shit DISNEY Character is going to fight Chip Hazard? No way! What in the Hell is that piece of crap Buzz Lightyear going to do? Oh wow. a laser beam. Which is no more than a damn light!. A sticker radio, and what wings? He can't fly! he can't even "Fall w/ Style. Now Maj. Hazard, a real opponent. Powered by the X-1000 chip put in cruise missiles and the strategical intelligence of all great commanders. He can build awesome weapons and vehicles from scratch to destroy that loser Disney character Buzz. While Buzz has some bumpkin Cowboy and some girl w/ sheep, Maj. Chip Hazard has all of his squad and plenty of tools and weapons at his disposal. Clearly Maj. Chip Hazard can die in one and only one way! An EMP. But, it's not likely some stupid ass Disney crap guy can be smart enough to use or create one. Clearly, Maj. Chip Hazard MUST AND WILL WIN BECAUSE HE IS MORE POWERFUL AND JUST THAT THE FACT DISNEY SUCKS!!!!!!!!

Shylock writes:

Has Buzz Lightyear ever got in a real fight? I mean, sure he's good at scaring the crap out of a masochistic little boy, but how would he handle a scuffle with the elite fighting force from which Major Chip Hazard was spawned? A simple answer is not that well, a better answer is that he'll get the shit kicked out of him. Hazard was made to kick the crap out of inferior toys, he even came with a projectile weapon, Lightyear came with a blinking LED. Hazard also has a brain and can adapt and create weapons and troops, Lightyear could only fix a cardboard "spaceship" using the sophisticated material known as scotch tape. Chip also didn't fall into mass self pity upon discovering that he was a toy. Commandos are also made to win. In the end, Major Hazard will be beating the batteries out of that glorified Turbo-man with his own defective arm. Tommy Lee Jones, still the baddest ass S.O.B. around!!!

jak writes:

OK lets see: One has neat wings on his back, and a pretty red light. The other HAS A MUNITIONS CHIP!!!!!

ticktockman writes:

Although I have to agree with Pat about having a soft spot for Buzz (I refuse to admit the exact number of BK Kids Meals I had to eat in order to get the Buzz toy that stands guard over my computer!), I really think that this one's going to go to Chip. Regardless of what Buzz may have been taught by the Space Rangers, Chip has the upper hand in too many areas.

First, the arsenal. Buzz "The Tool Toy" Lightyear may think that he knows tools, but all he really knows are all of the first names of his local Emergency Room staff. This is a guy, mind you, tried to fix his space ship with SCOTCH TAPE! Chip, on the other hand, is a guy who knows that the only true tape is the almighty DUCT TAPE. And he knows how to use it, too. This guy is like the A-Team, MacGuyver and Scotty all rolled into one with a little Freddy Krueger added, just for attitude. Chip 1, Buzz 0

Second, there's the ever-popular Guilt By Association(TM). Think about it. Buzz played the straight man to Tom Hanks. Remember the last guy who got stuck playing the straight man to Saving Cowboy Woody? It was the guy from Bosom Buddies. Anyone know what he's doing lately? Chip 2, Buzz still 0

Third, there's the backup. Granted, Buzz does have the Army Men at his command, and I don't want to underestimate them as a fighting force, but what else does he have? An out of work, drunkard ex-mailman and some sheep? Chip. on the other hand, has a whole squad of highly trained, motivated, blood-thirsty commandos. Ugly commandos, no less. Chip 3, Buzz, alas, still 0

I say the Chipster's gonna get himself a new set of shiny purple wings. (Sorry Buzz!)

Actorman99 writes:

C'mon, people, let's be realistic. Buzz Lightyear is equipped with plastic wings, karate chop action, and "a little light that blinks." On the other hand, Chip Hazard has decided to drop "standard issue weapons" in favor of creating new, more destructive tools of mass destruction. In "Toy Story," Buzz beat up Woody. In "Small Soldiers," Chip blew up, shot at, and generally wrecked an entire suburban block and its inhabitants. Chip, along with all Commando Elite, are equipped with state of the art computer chip brains use in MILITARY DEFENSE WEAPONS. The only thing Buzz runs on are two double A batteries. Buzz Lightyear is an oversized, lovable doll while Chip is "not a doll, he's an action figure!" The Commando Elite, everything else is just a toy!!!!!

LordFish writes:

The real question on this fight is who's gonna win, the crazy... or the absolutely insane? I think this little question was already resolved in the Joker Vs. Goblin fight....Insane beats crazy any day of the week.

Buzz will win.

Wait, what's that I hear? Buzz is crazier than Chip? How can the namby-pamby good-guy Buzz be a crazier marketing scheme mascot in a box than the demented Chip Hazard? Let me explain.

Chip is crazy only in a mild sense, he still has a clear mind, and can understand his situation... Buzz thinks he�s a fu**ing Space Ranger! He raves on and on about killing aliens and is prone to fits of manic depression and extreme and irrational frenzies of violence. So..if Logical reasoning is really worth a damn... Buzz'll smoke him like a black n' mild.

Pedneau writes:

Major Chip Hazard is the clear winner of this match. Buzz Lightyear was just a toy while Hazard is purely designed to be a soldier and a real mean one. Like a blinking red light bulb is gonna hurt this tough as nails soldier. Like we usually say, Buzz is gonna get spanked like a four year old at k-mart.

THE BATTLE

JAY:   Well Pat, a lot of people think that Hazard has this match all ready won.

PAT:   Yes they do. A ring of toy spectators has formed at a respectful distance around the sand hill which will be the stage for this classic confrontation. Buzz looks confident, unfazed by the popular opinion.

JAY:   Hazard looks EXTREMELY focused Pat. He's on a mission and, unfortunately for Buzz, the mission is to smash Space Rangers. Both fighters are waiting for the whistle...

PAT:   And there it is! Buzz and Chip go scrambling up the hill from opposite sides...

JAY:   Both of them are quickly reaching for the top at a rapid pace... Hazard reaches the top first but he keeps going and races down the other at Buzz. HE WANTS THE SPACE RANGER!

PAT:   Buzz sees the oncoming threat... But Chip grapples him and both go tumbling back down the hill.

JAY:   They come to a rest at the bottom and Buzz is on top and throwing rights and lefts. Just pummeling the Commando Elite Commander!

PAT:   The crowd goes wild...Screaming for... er... blood?

Bo Peep:   Come on, Lightyear... rip his heart out!!!!

Woody:   Go Buzz Go!

JAY:   Buzz actually stops for a moment to acknowledge the cheers... Oh NO! Hazard kicks him off and Buzz lands in a small red sand pail. Hazard looks pissed!!!

Hazard:   Nice shot Space Ranger. My turn, now.

PAT:   Jay, Hazard is grabbing the red rail... he's dragging it across the sand to.. Oh No...

JAY:   Hazard is dragging Buzz to a sand pit. The Major is gonna bury Buzz like an old cat turd.

PAT:   Buzz has other ideas... leaping out of the pail he... Ohhh! Solid right cross from Hazard puts Buzz on his butt. Good thing for the face shield, huh?

JAY:   Yes Buzz is quite fortunate but Hazard has other plans. Buzz is trying to sit up as Hazard slaps the a button opening his face shield. WHACK! Massive fist shot to Buzz's nose.

Bo Beep:   Booo! Ya' Lout!!

Entire Elite Team:   Kill! Kill! KIll!

PAT:   Hazard's big hands clasp on Lightyear�s arms... he heaves Lightyear into the pit... and... Jay I don't like the gleam in Major Hazard's eyes. What do you think he'll do with that construction toy?

JAY:   I don't know Pat but knowing Hazard, it'll be painful. He marches over to the toy bulldozer and tries to start it up... but it won't go! Cursing loudly he jumps off ... OH MY!

PAT:   The batteries of the bulldozer are dead, Jay. But Chip is determined to bury light year. Straining... ripping the blade right off the little 'Dozer... he begins pushing sand. Wait. Jay, where's Buzz?

Lightyear:   To Infinity and Beyond!

JAY:   Falling with Style! Buzz slams a painful crash landing into Chip Hazard. It looks like Lightyear has the upper hand again, Pat. Oops, I spoke too soon...

PAT:   Hazard rolls... grapples... flips Lightyear on his back.... Lightyear uses Karate Chop Action! Hazard pounds back! Now Buzz flips Hazard over!!! Oh the humanity!! Let's go Live down on the field to our own Sideline Commentator Harlene Quinzelle who has this special interview:

Harley Quinn:::   Hi Pat! Hi Jay! Missed me guys? I'm here with our smallest of the small soldier. Green Army Man. Hi there.

Green Army Guy::   Hello Ms Quinn.

Harley Quinn::   I have a question that I'm dying to ask.

Green Army Guy::   Go right ahead.

Harley Quinn::   Do you get tired of holding that position where you're ready to throw the grenade, but you can't ever throw it?

Green Army Guy::   No, not really.

Harley Quinn::   Thank you. Back to you guys.

PAT:   That was... uh... insightful. Jay, what did you do with Frank? You have him somewhere don't you?

JAY:   (silence)

PAT:   What's going on out there now, Jay?

JAY:   Hazard has Buzz in a bear hug and he picks the Space Ranger up high over his head and brings him down on his knee... ATOMIC DROP!!!!

PAT:   Ohh, that hurt! Wait! One of the Commando Elite has pitched something to Hazard... It's a lit M-80!!! Hazard stuffs it into Buzz's face bubble!! Fire in the hole!!!!

M-80:   Ka-BoooOOOOoooMMMmm!!!!!

JAY:   Wow. Hazard blew Buzz straight to China. Look at the size of that crater!

PAT:   To infinity and beyond, Jay. To infinity and beyond.

THE FINAL VOTE

'Nuff Said!

FINAL VOTE:

Buzz: 219

Chip: 308

THE WRAP UP

PAT:   From some toy strewn sandlot in suburbia, this has been Pat Summers.

JAY:   And Jay Peoples. Goodnight all.

DISCLAIMER / NOTICE:

Toy Story (TM) is the property (c) of Pixar and Disney

Small Soldiers (TM) is the property (c) of Universal (I think)

This webpage makes no claims and attempts no infringement... this is just for fun.

CBUB: The Comic Book Universe Battles