THE SCENARIO

Join us now for a battle we had to call...

THE SPORTS BOX

CALLISTO:   Hello and Welcome to the ass end of what has been an... amusing... run by a pair of sweaty guys in shredded clothes. We're here at the finish line, waiting to see whose going to make it across the final leg of African Savannah to win this one. Good day, I am Callisto.

QUINN:   And, also in the Sports Box, I'm Harley Quinn. Yah - it's been a hoot. But damn it's hot! Africa hot, you know? Surface of the freakin' sun hot. It's so hot in my shorts I could cook things in 'em. Do a little crotch pot cookin'....

CALLISTO:   ... and that's a mental image no one needed. Thank you Harley Quinn. But at least your mangy pair of hyena pets are enjoying themselves.

QUINN:   Yeah, look at my babies - ripping into that zebra carcass. Aren't they cute?

CALLISTO:   No. Attend to the mail, clown girl.

YOUR OPINIONS

Total Lamer letter of the Week

the man who saw Tarzan writes:

Who the hell is Doc Savage ?!? Well... maybe when the new Ah-nuld version of Doc Savage comes out all the lazy masses spoon-fed by Big Media(TM) will have a clue.

Cubist writes:

Doc all the way. Tarzan does have some built-in strengths (peak-of-human-perfection condition, highly acute senses, etc), but everything Tarzan's got, Doc has -- only BETTER! *And*, of course, Doc has massive amounts of scientific expertise and he's memorized most of the Earth's surface in its entirety and he's got no less than five highly competent assistants as backup and he carries scads of useful gadgets (most of which he invented himself) and...
In short, Doc Savage can and must win.

Andrew, or Alex writes:

I vote for Doc Savage, for 3 reasons:
1) Intelligence should always win over stupidity and brute force
2) While I've never really read anything about these characters, Doc Savage has several women in his picture, while Tarzan has monkeys. I vote for the guy who gets girls as opposed to having to make do with apes
3)Finally, Doc has what is known as the "I-haven't-been-a-Disney-movie" Factor. This both enhances his coolness (Disney is EVIL) and fills him with RAGE (tm) at not having little plastic fast food toys made in his image.
Finally, he's wearing a shirt, which should count for something

Justicar writes:

I like this battle.

I agree with my gal Harley. Doc Savage will take this marathon run. Allow me to explain why:

The key factor here will be education. Doc Savage has survival training in just
about every terrain. He will know what to avoid, sense signs of danger and how to correctly deal with certain situations. Doc Savage is virtually a metahuman.

Tarzan will excel in the jungle because he has the strength and survival skills for the jungle. Yet, just like a tiger in the desert he will be out of his element. In all realty he should die in the Sahara Desert. He can't follow the Nile for too long. The stretch between The Nile and the Congo rivers is pretty far. Poor Tarzan is going to be a loincloth on a sandstripped skeleton.

If Tarzan's heroic stature makes it through the desert then he stands a chance in the savannah provided he doesn't run into bandits or a mercenary army.

This is another area where Doc Savage has the advantage. He has diplomacy skills and a lifetime of dealing with other humans. He could probably talk his way out of an encounter or negotiate some kind of deal. Tarzan can't chance a gunbattle when he has only his wits and a knife.

Doc Savage could forseeably be taken out by large beastie, but he should be smart enough to avoid them. (I suppose Tarzan would do likewise with humans.)

I just don't see Tarzan getting around the water issue. He should be a corpse in the Sahara!!

A. Nonymus writes:

Though Tarzan has numerous animal connections in Africa, his main territory is the Congo. As I understand it, he's rarely been elsewhere except for his brief stint as Greystoke. Savage, though he probably hasn't been in Africa too much (but what do I know, I've only just heard of him), has had advanced training of every kind giving him a leg up on Tarzan in that respect. Doubtless he understands a good amount of African geography beyond just a large drainage basin. Let's face it. Savage will ravage Tarzan.

The_Big_Bad_W0lf writes:

Tarzan.

They made a mistake by setting this battle in Africa. It's Tarzan's home. This gives him an automatic home field advantage. He is not just Lord of the Jungle; his adventures have taken him all over Africa, and even into some places on one knows existed. He can communicate with the animals, thereby sidestepping a problem that may delay Doc Savage, dealing with hostile creatures. (I have too much respect for Doc Savage's abilities to suggest that they would do more than SLOW him, but slow him they will.) Only the illinformed would think that Tarzan, possessing only a primitive mind, could be outthought along the way by Doc Savage. As smart as Savage is, Greystoke taught himself to read and write English without ANY outside assistance, and THEN learned to converse in French within a matter of days, THEN learned to speak English as well. This boy can speak more languages than a UN interpreter, so he is FAR from being a mental midget. The only way Tarzan could lose this one is if he takes time out from the race to discover and defeat yet another civilization of gold-rich cannibals. Otherwise, Lord Greystoke will be crossing the wire first.

Peter writes:

Well, on popularity alone, Tarzan takes it. After all, he does have the almight yet evil 'Disney Advantage' going for him.

Sailor Xena writes:

I'm afraid that the Lord of the Apes doesn't stand a chance against The Man of Bronze. Even though the two might be physicaly equal in raw power, Savage(ohhhhhhhhhhh yaaaaaaaaa!) knows practicaly every style of hand to hand there is. Doc Savage, also haveing extensive knowledge on the historical and geographical history on Africa, will know a little bit about each regeon he goes through. Not just the jungle as with Tarzan(Welcome to the jungle! We got fun and games............sorry). So by the time Tarzan does make it to the jungle and try to make for lost time, Savage will have been there done that. The Doctor is in; and Tarzan is out. Can you dig it? Ohhhhhhhhhhh Ya!

"The king of the badgers" Silverdeath writes:

What a race!I almost desire to be a monkey, just to be present in this confrontation!

Doc Savage, a real man�s man, the definition of what an adventurer is (hey! this guy can mop the floor with Indiana Jones). He was trained in such a way that his mental and physical abilyties are almost super-human. How a person like him could lose in a obstacle race, even if it is several miles long?

But there is his oponnent. Lord Graystoke, a man who bare-handed conquered the nature. Sure Tarzan doesn�t have Savage�s scientifical genius, but this is not abuot brains, this is about survival instincts. And tarzan surpass Doc Savage in this aspect.

In the end the result must be close, but Tarzan wins.

Beetle Bomb writes:

While I always try to avoid voting on sheer popularity alone, this time I changed my mind. I hate Doc Savage. Never liked Doc Savage. Don't give a hot damn about Doc Savage. He strikes me as a James Bond wannabe and his comics and movies never awestruck me. Tarzan on the other hand, I have read. I grew up watching his cartoons, (anybody remember the Tarzan/Lone Ranger adventure hour?) Tarzan rocks. Heck, he even beat a Predator, so he for darn sure can win a foot race with a little challenge on the way. L8er.

Jeff "T-REX" Hayes writes:

I have to give it to the Doc on this one for a number of reasons. First off Doc Savage has intellegent humans as allies he could have the to assist him at a moments notice. Another thing Savage is an expert with weapons of all
sorts from firearms to primitive things.
Tarzan just has a few animals. The only ones he can really communicate with (if you read the actual book ) are apes. And apes can be taken down easily (the fact most of them are on th verge of extinction should give you an idea of their adaptabilty) So Doc Savage should win!

Dark Deco writes:

First time listener, first time poster.

I cannot believe Doc Savage is loosing! It's pure logic that Doc Savage would win. If Tarzan was to fight Batman, Batman would win. If Batman were to fight Doc Savage, Doc Savage would win (barely and it would depend if the Man of Bronze had access to modern scientific knowledge). Thus, Doc Savage would beat Tarzan.

Nine writes:

First things first. Welcome back, Serge! Even though its just for one week.

Doc Savage represents what we all can become if we put our mind, heart and muscle to it. Sort of a dimestore version of Nietschze's ideal Uberman concept.

Tarzan was offered the easy way of civilized "nobles", but preferred life in the true jungle. The lesson here is once you have all the trimmings and trappings of "civilization". Despite his limited, monosyllabic vocabulary, the victory wreath will wind up on Tarzan's neck, not only for sheer principle, but for the primal ferocity that Doc Savage lacks.

Sailor Dragonfyre writes:

I vote Tarzan, why you may ask? Because of one simple reason, any man who is that built and runs around in a loin cloth deserves respect. I mean come on! the guy is never caught with a wedgie! and he swings from trees! you tell me you wouldn't get a huge wedgie in your loin cloth if you were swinging from trees to get to and from work!

Don King writes:

I just watched that old "Doc Savage: Man of Brass" movie on cable the other day. That's why I decided to vote for Tarzan.

Aubri writes:

Well, Tarzan seems to be ahead by a good lead already, and it's understandable. Between Disney and all the previous movies, his name recognition is many times that of Doc Savage. But I must go with the good Doctor. If talking to animals and fighting wild beasts were "all that", we wouldn't have computers, airliners and firearms today. Gadgets and gizmos will give Doc the advantage, even against the jungle-savvy Tarzan; He IS a globetrotter after all, and has at least as much woodcraft as, say, Indiana Jones.

Daki writes:

Okay, how can Tarzan be winning? I'll break this down real simple since it is such an easy decision to make.

Tarzan - Wears loin cloth, no money what-so-ever, and in the last Tarzan movie he was played by that pretty boy from "Starship Troopers". I HATE that guy. I'll bet he spent hours trying to get that "messy hair" thing to look just right.

Doc Savage - Wears cool clothes, VERY rich, and will be played by none other than Arnold Schwarteneggar. He shall crush dat puny boy easily.

Who'd you rather see? Some preppy pretty boy or a buffed out icon of action and adventure? Those who vote for Tarzan should be hung from vines by their tongues and have Terminators play pinata with their bodies.

(People say I have a violent streak. I can't imagine why...)

The Rock writes:

This one will be quite the battle, but it will ultimately go to the one with superior training in battle. That isn't Tarzan. Let's look at the facts, shall we?

Tarzan has beaten animals in fights, but let's face it: Humans are far more intelligent than jungle animals. Thus, Tarzan only appears intelligent compared to the mentally inferior animals he hangs with. Is he smarter or more knowledgeable than a man with Savage's education? I don't think so.

Now about training. Savage has it, Tarzan doesn't. Both have experience in fighting. Training and experience beats just experience any day.

The jungle man's going down. End of story.

DamieN Brimstone writes:

Word on the street is that the big screen version of Doc Savage is slated to be played by none other than Ah-nuld Schwarzennegger himself. Nothing against the big guy, but if he can portray Savage, then the good Doc really can't be as brilliant as he's made out to be. The result: Tarzan utilizes every trick in the book against Savage, finishing so far ahead in the contest that Callisto gets bored and decides to torch his loincloth-wearing ass while everybody waits for the bronze bookworm to catch up.

Maskim Xuul writes:

Hard fight. These are two superior individuals. Doc Savage is one of few men who, alone, could make his way through this terrain and survive. But Tarzan is on his home turf. The depths of Africa hold no especial hazard for him. It's just a long jog...or, more likely, elephant ride. I will credit Savage with superior intelligence, vastly superior education, and excellent tech. But this just isn't a challenge for Tarzan.

THE BATTLE

QUINN:   For those of you just joining us, we're going to run some clips of some of the highlights we've seen so far in this race.

CALLISTO:   Yes. Now here we are looking at a scene from the beginning of this race. Tarzan is making his way through a thick patch of desert - he's burned and dehydrated. Easy pickings, one might think. A half-dozen mercenaries - Some two-bit sword-fodder I had pressed into service - enters on the scene to take out the ape man.

QUINN:   Here comes the desert mercenaries... riding in hard on camels! Firing guns in the air, yelling - what challenge can one dehydrated man in a loin cloth possibly be, right?

CALLISTO:   Tarzan plays helpless and weak until the very end. As they close to circle - he leaps and knifes the first rent-a-thug.

QUINN:   Watch these moves, folks. We've added a timer to the left-hand side of your screen so you can fully appreciate this fighter.

CALLISTO:   ...Tarzan jumps to the next camel, dragging his blade across a mercs jugular, as he jumps to the next...

QUINN:   Five seconds elapsed...

CALLISTO:   ... Three men down now as a wild-eyed fourth faces certain death. The fifth gets off a bad shot...

QUINN:   Seven seconds...

CALLISTO:   Fifth drops to the dust as the ape man rips the last man off his animal and wrestles him to submission in the hot desert sand.

QUINN:   Under ten seconds folks. Wow. Good help is hard to find, eh Cally?

CALLISTO:   Don't call me that again. The ape man took their camels, water and the last rent-a-thug as a guide. He made excellent time to the Congo.

QUINN:   We're going to switch clips, now. This is a little trap I devised to slow down the Man of Bronze. I figured your average death trap would be useless against such a savvy adventurer - so I chose a bit of a trick.

CALLISTO:   Here we see Doc Savage coming upon the scene of a tribe of cannibals who have apparently captured a young, nubile Brit female on safari. She is the main course on the dinner menu.

QUINN:   Doc Savage jumps into the clearing. Using his many gizmos - a little flash, a little bag and a whole bunch of knock-out darts later - the tribe is on the run.

CALLISTO:   Doc Savage - typical male that he is - unties the female who promptly swoons becomingly into his arms.

QUINN:   I should point out that this is the actual trap, here....

CALLISTO:   ... And I must salute you, clown girl - it was quite clever. You see, her lips are coated with a deadly poison which the girl herself is immune to.

QUINN:   And who could resist kissing those luscious, fresh female lips? The young Brit assassin bats her long eyelashes, snakes slender fingers behind the neck of Doc Savage and guides him in for the kiss.

CALLISTO:   But... Doc Savage resists!

Doc Savage:   You've had a hard experience. Are you all right?

British Assassin:   I'm fine, now. Let me reward my handsome rescuer with a kiss.

Doc Savage:   The stress of your experience has left you in shock. Lie down for a moment and catch your breath, now...

British Assassin:   Kiss me, first.

Doc Savage:   Please, it wouldn't be proper for me to take advantage....

British Assassin:   Are you gay, or what?

Doc Savage:   No, I...

British Assassin:   Then kiss me Gawd-dammit!

Doc Savage:   You're delirious. You must rest a moment...

QUINN:   Haha... oh, this is rich!

CALLISTO:   Here's the great part! Doc Savage has completely irritated the determined young woman with his immaculate, proper manners. How does she respond?

British Assassin:   Bastard!

Doc Savage:   UUURK!!!

QUINN:   She shoved a poison shank right into his leg and stalked off into the jungle.

CALLISTO:   Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

QUINN:   It turns out that this episode really slowed down the good doctor. While he did manage to whip up an antidote to the poison from local flora and fauna ...

CALLISTO:   ... as one would expect from Doc Savage....

QUINN:   ... he did spend more than a day sweating it out in a clearing, shaking off the near fatal after effects.

CALLISTO:   ... which gave Tarzan a chance to catch up from his early lag in the desert. Moving through the Savannah, now, they're both very close. We are coming to the conclusion of this race.

QUINN:   Tarzan is approaching from the West... Doc Savage from the East.

CALLISTO:   They've seen each other! Both are very close to the finish line - about a mile out. The foot race is on!

QUINN:   It's hard to tell whose going to take this one. Both of these guys are Olympic quality runners.

CALLISTO:   Oops! Poor Savage! Looks like he has attracted the attention of a hunting lioness. He's not going to out run her.

QUINN:   Savage tumbles as the Lioness moves in for the kill! He comes up, holding the knock-out gun! One shot... did it miss? The lioness is on him!

CALLISTO:   What's this? Tarzan has seen Docs trouble and is running full tilt towards the Doc, to try and help him...

QUINN:   Naahhh - shouldn't have bothered. The over grown putty-tat is knocked out cold. Savage tosses the animal aside and runs once more for the finish.

CALLISTO:   Tarzan changes directions as well - this might be a photo finish for the ribbon, folks.

THE FINAL VOTE

'Nuff Said!

FINAL VOTE:

Tarzan: 331

Doc Savage: 289

THE WRAP UP

CALLISTO:   Tarzan! A bit fleeter of foot at the end, he takes the gold!

QUINN:   Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. Heh. No hard feelings between these goody-goodys though. Look at 'em shaking hands like old chums.

CALLISTO:   Disgusting.

DISCLAIMER / NOTICE:

Tarzan(TM) is the property (c) of (?)

Doc Savage (TM) is the property (c) of (?)

This webpage makes no claims and attempts no infringement... this is just for fun.

CBUB: The Comic Book Universe Battles